So I have been spiritually awake and aware for a minute now but I had a HUGE freaking mind shift within the last 24-48 hours.
I've realized that the story I have been telling myself, has been completely and totally... well... wrong.
For the last two years, I've been projecting myself into this future reality that doesn't actually exist in my here and now, in my physical and practical reality. What do I mean?
I mean I've been telling myself: "I can't WAIT until I am a New York Times Bestselling Author who is traveling around the world and hosting sold-out events and conferences and having the most amazing sex ever with my incredibly hot partner." I mean it's not to say I don't still envision and want those things, because I do. But my huge epiphany and A-HA has been the realization that the magic doesn't happen in envisioning how happy I'm going to be in this future state, but by actually fully being present in what's going on for me right now, as in right this moment. As in I reach a true state of "enlightenment" by actually fully being present with what is, which right now is a huge amount of gratitude to be able to focus on writing out these words, and publish the video I recorded and sipping on some tea.
It's not about thinking someday I will feel fulfilled/happy/whole when I have XYZ but becoming conscious of embodying and being grateful for right now, this breath, this heartbeat, these words. And loving myself and being with myself no matter what that moment is. Sometimes it's elevated and inspired, and sometimes it's scared and sad, and sometimes it's anxious and full of sorrow, but no matter what, it is. And it's making peace and loving what is. I have heard that concept for YEARS now (hello, Byron Katie anyone??), but it didn't fully land until today. I didn't have an embodied sense of understanding until very very recently.
Do I still have moments where I slip into projecting myself into a future reality that doesn't actually exist in my present moment? Yes.
Do I also realize that I am only actually just beginning to understand these concepts and really make peace and process them? Another Yes.
It was strange though because when I first came to this realization through taking the Deep Rest course with Jeff Foster. Which BTW, I've never actually spoken to him, don't know him at all, in fact, I have only been tuned into his work and voice for a few weeks now. But man, has diving into what he has to offer has completely and totally shifted my sense of reality, my entire world has been transformed. ANYWAY, when this concept began to land. I felt such a sense of profound sadness actually. Because I realized that all of these stories I was telling myself of "I will only be happy when..." or "I will feel so fulfilled when...." only create suffering for me because they take me away from being fully embodied and present in all that any of us ever really have, which is this moment, right here, right now. I felt a sadness in a shattering of my world view for the last 2+ years. A healing shattering, but a shattering none the less.
Anyway, video recorded above.
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Sending love and light to each and every one of you.
Thanks for taking the time to tune in.