30 Days of Authenticity: Using my Deepest Core Wound as a Portal
For week three of 30 days of Authenticity, I ask to take some time to tap into our future selves and get visionary about our future. This is my third time completing this course, the first was when I wrote it (about one and a half to two years ago, it took me six months to write the course), the second was when I recorded the daily videos last summer, and the third is now moving through it all live. It really is such a beautiful practice to connect to your highest future possibility as if it's here now and then start acting from a place that it is. The issue for me this week? The biggest traumatic incident I have ever faced has come out to play in my personal life, the abandonment/rejection/judgment of one of the people I love the most on this planet.
To say I have been wounded this week doesn't give the words justice. My deepest core wound, my biggest fear, the loss of love/the abandonment from someone I care the most about on this planet (and from the act of simply just being myself - which has been re-invented by this person's false story of who they believe me to be and what my intentions are) has happened. I've been broken this week, all while hosting my very first course. BUT, I've been able to see this fear, this activation of my deepest wound from a higher perspective, to look at it as a portal for deeper integration, deepening love, even while living through some of the most painful moments in life that I have been exposed to so far.
So what are gifts within it? How am I alchemizing the wound?
I am learning from it. I tuned into a channeling from Michaela Sheldon yesterday in which she talked about how she would often judge herself for not being "spiritual enough" or letting someone get to her, but then she reflected on how she needed to go through the challenges to be able to teach on her resilience and how she alchemized and moved through it. So that's been key for me as well. I've needed to experience my deepest fear becoming a physical reality to realize that I can survive it AND that I can use it for my good. I can use it to see that
My deepest wound can be activated and I will still survive. Do I feel heartbroken and sad currently? Absolutely, but am I physically going to be OK? Yes
I can be loved and accepted just as I am, even if how I am showing up in the current moment is triggered and in pain from the activation of this wound. There have been so many moments this week where I have wanted to pull back, wanted to self isolate, but I didn't. Wonderful amazing beautiful people in my life encouraged me and I continued to show up. And every time I do, I've been brought to tears by the love and acceptance I have received exactly as I am, the people I have been surrounded by just held me and loved me despite my tears, despite my pain
Expressing my pain is OK. I have been repressing my pain my ENTIRE life for fear that if I expressed it, it would be too much, and I would lose the people I love. I may have lost one, and that loss of that relationship I am not sure I will ever fully recover from, but I have realized that there is really nothing more healing than allowing myself to feel my pain, and to know that it's OK to be heartbroken to be in pain. I have been denying myself this forever, abandoning myself for fear of losing someone else, but losing my connection with myself in the process.
Holding Little Maria has been KEY. This goes hand in hand with what I discuss above. One of the key ways I am processing everything in my life right now has been through holding and being with the Little Maria who is devastated right now, completely and utterly heartbroken and letting her know that it's OK to feel this way. It's OK to allow her heart to break because I am with her, I am holding her, I am holding us and I will never ever let her go.
I have an infinite amount of support as long as I am brave enough to ask for it. This is not the first time in my life that the traumatic event I am experiencing has occurred, however, the difference is, I'm not engaging with it in the ways I have in the past. Instead of making sure this other person is OK, I am making sure that I am OK, and I am reaching out for help to do so as there are moments where this can all just be so overwhelming
I realize that I am only ever responsible for myself, I can not control or change the "story" that other people choose to create. This is the tough one for me because this is me breaking the habitual patterns of the past where I have always tried to "fix" someone else. But ultimately, I realize now, at 39-years-old, that I can't fix anyone other than myself, and frankly, it was never my responsibility or burden to carry. And also, I should never do this at the expense of myself. I can not make sure someone else is OK, if I am not OK, and right now? I am not OK.
Knowing all of these things, and being in a place where I have made peace and accepted them is two different things, but I can see that there really is a lot of things for me to embrace within one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. More to come here, but I'll close with the words of Jeff Foster who really has become a guiding influence in my life although we have yet to connect directly. Here is what he has to say on the topic at hand: