What an intense week this week has been. I thought that I was dealing with an emotional roller coaster with my heartbreak from the realization of the "death" of one relationship in my life with my return to Seattle in May (if you are curious about any of that, there are multiple blog entries here and here where I realized I was in love with a projection and not the reality of who this other person was/is).
But that was freaking rainbows and butterflies compared to events of this week. I basically had the most significant person in my entire life tell me that she hates me (she used other words, she tried to mask it as "love" but it feels like hate). She projected her own emotional wounds onto me, and I honestly don't know if our relationship will ever be repaired, if I will ever be willing to let her back into my life, and my heart is broken. And Little Maria's heart is broken.
BUT, there is light at the end of tunnel. At the end of every single week for 30 days of Authenticity, I ask people to reflect on their own journey (just in case you are just tuning into me and my work now, I have just launched my very first course on August 1st and we are currently wrapping up the end of week three). How is the "death" of the most significant relationship of my life a good thing you might ask? Well, it goes back to one of the things that Jeff Foster posted this week - I am using that wound as a portal. Full blog entry on that here:
I keep trying to explain my emotions and feelings. It's like I'm experiencing the highest of the highs (the fact that my dreams are becoming my physical reality) and the lowest of the lows (the fact that I am currently processing and moving through my deepest core wound).
And while there have definitely been moments that I have been swept up into the emotional turmoil of it all, both the "good" and the "bad" - currently I am feeling a bit like the calm in the middle of the storm. It's not that I have suddenly processed and moved on from my trauma, or that I am suddenly no longer grateful for my dreams coming true, it's more so that I am realizing the depth of my connection with myself, with the little Maria, with my higher-self, with you, with the cosmos, with the universe. And I can relax into what my higher-self told me at the beginning of the week when I tapped into her, she said: "Just Trust Me - I've Got This!"
So knowing that, and consciously realizing how truly and deeply loved I am even when I am "flawed" is bringing me so much peace.
Week Three of 30 Days of Authenticity was about shifting gears from looking at our Shadows, to getting visionary about our future. For me, it looked liked the following:
☄️ Day 15: I am Visionary: I asked everyone to do a future self-meditation, where I met my higher self on a galatic space station (no, I'm not kidding, I was surrounded in rainbows and communing with her in space) and her message to me was "Just Trust Me - I've got this!" I also asked everyone to start their build of their vision boards/vision pages (to tangibly ground in our emergent future into the here and now) starting with images of home, safety and security.
☄️ Day 16: I am Creative: This was the day when sh*t hit the fan. This was the day where I got the world's worse email (well, my own personal world anyway). The depth of the pain I received from this email was so severe that I almost considered withdrawing from the course. The focus for the day was tapping into our creative natures and looking into how our creativity shows up. The only thing I could tap into that day though was holding the Little Maria with love and allowing myself to process every single emotion I was feeling.
☄️ Day 17: I am Authentic: After taking some time to hold myself in light and love, I came to a space of genuinely appreciating how the Universe works. How the Intention of "Authenticity" was actually how God was asking me to show up. I realized that being authentic meant that I wasn't always going to be light and love, some times, I'm going to be sad and heartbroken. That's a part of life, there are ups and there are downs. So I "showed up for what's up" as Gabrielle Bernstein says and I resumed the course. What I was blown way from was everyone's love and acceptance of me, exactly as I am. My whole life I have basically been repressing my pain because I have been fearful of losing people I love from expressing it. I have lost one person, but I have gained a deeper relationship with myself in the process and the realization that the expression of my pain is OK.
☄️ Day 18: I am Connected: The intention for Day 18 was about connecting to our heart centers, and what brings us joy. It further facilitated my own healing by the creation of my vision page with the deliberate intention of holding Little Maria and letting her know that she was safe. Sharing this page on the live call with the A Life Creating Group on Intention Inspired was also deeply healing for me. If you would like to tune into that, you can see the replay here:
☄️ Day 19: I am Open: Was about connecting to our source of truth and being open and willing to express it. I asked us all to revisit our purpose statements for 30 days of Authenticity. Mine ended up shifting to:
"I love, embrace and accept ALL of what makes me who I am. I recognize the beauty in the darkness, the power in being vulnerable and the value in being present and grounded in the reality of what is"
Which is quite a mouthful 😂
☄️ Day 20: I am Hopeful: We focused on what brings us hope for future. The entire week was centered on getting visionary and tapping into our highest future potentials so the day was focused on reconnecting that and tuning back into our future selfs. When I consciously tapped into my higherself it went from a knowing that "she's got this" to a knowing that "we've got this" which I absolutely loved and needed to hear and connect to (and so did Little Maria).
Which brings us to today and my overall reflections on the course, which leaves me with the following final purpose statement moving into week four which is:
🌟I love, embrace, and accept myself just as I am. I am willing to be seen🌟
Also, the link to join us is here:
I say this every single week, but it still holds true, I would love to have you join us, and if you are already a part of the journey, I'm very grateful.