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  • Writer's pictureMaria Vandenburg

Finding the Need to Be Gentle with Myself

My whole life has transformed in the last 48 hours. I am currently writing to you from a beautiful basement studio apartment in Seattle while I will self-quarantine and isolate for the next 14 days. I had no idea at the start of the week that I would be here.

You Belong Here
You Belong Here

I have been living in London, England for the last 2+ Years. I moved over there in August 2017 to start an MBA program which I subsequently completed last November. I consider London my gas station. I seem to end up there every 10 years or so, to "re-energize and re-fuel" before setting back out into the world. The Pacific Northwest is my home, but London I consider to be my roots.

I had originally planned to return to Seattle for a few weeks on May 1st before kicking off nine months of sacred travel. All of those traveling plans have subsequently been placed on hold, as I realized within the last few weeks that if I need to sequester anywhere for the next six months or so, I would rather be home, close to my mother and other loved ones. So my plan was to return to Seattle to hunker down until the Earth heals and we can all re-emerge.

Giving the Earth time to Heal
Giving the Earth time to Heal

Then, I get an email last Tuesday letting me know that May 1st flight was cancelled. To say I was freaked out is an understatement. With the cancellation of that flight, my intuition kicked in letting me know that I needed to get myself home as soon as possible, May 1st was waiting too long.

So I re-booked a flight for Monday, figuring that I would need 5 days to get my life sorted out.

Wednesday rolls around and another email comes in telling me that my second flight is cancelled. At this point, I'm in tears. I reach out and ask for help in all sorts of places, I know I need to get home, but I don't know if I can physically make it there. People jump in to support and hold me in their prayers and thoughts. I felt so much love and encouragement and the next thing I know I am re-booked for Saturday. I had thought I would have the whole month to process and prepare to close out the London chapter of my life and move back home... I had two days.

The Street that I was born in - Horseferry Road in London
The Street that I was born in - Horseferry Road in London

I'm still not sure how I managed it, but somehow within 48 hours, I packed up my entire life, purged three suitcases and two giant bags of things, cleaned my apartment and traveled across the world with luggage that weighed more than I do.

And now? Now I have been in Seattle for two days and am slowly starting to unravel to my present moment. I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions, relief to be home and grateful for the fact that I was able to physically get here, deep sadness at leaving London and not really having the time or space to truly honor that particular journey and closeout that particular chapter, love for the amazing people in my life and the connections that are continuing to expand from allowing my heart to be open, fear and anxiety about the future, a deep longing and need for a "home" and a huge level of gratitude for my current level of awareness, both emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

I have all of these projects I am working on. I'm working on the final editing of my first book, I'm taking the One Funnel Away sales challenge with Clickfunnels, I'm managing the community and the operations of Intention Inspired. I have felt all of this pressure recently because I have placed all of these deadlines on myself. But right now in my current moment, I am finding myself needing to give myself a moment to breathe. To rest. To be gentle. To relax into my current moment and allow myself to truly feel everything that is bubbling up inside of me as I work to adjust to life back in Seattle.

It has been such a whirlwind of a week, and in all honestly, it still continues to be. Being back home has been surfacing things that I haven't been ready or willing to deal with. Well, it appears now is the time. Now is the time for me to heal. Now is the time for me to take a look at the parts of myself that feel hurt, wounded and scared and show them some love, allow them to be.

Lots going on in my world currently. It will be interesting to see what emerges as I actually process and work through it all. Sending love and light to each and every one of you. Thank you for being here. ❤️

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I'll love you forever... well I will probably do that anyway but still <3


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